Thursday, 20 October 2016

No one reads this so I feel I can write on here because although I use social media a lot there are some things I'm not comfortable sharing on there and this is something I'd rather keep to myself, but also need to let out if you get me? Today I began claiming universal credit. It's the lowest point of my life so far. Utterly demoralising and embarrassing. I studied my arse off for three years at a top uni so I could get a decent job and yet here I am claiming benefits. My experience at the job centre today wasn't awful, both people I saw were nice but I think that's just because it was my first time. I have to attend weekly appointments and spend 35 hours a week searching for jobs otherwise I get sanctioned. 35 FUCKING HOURS? Trawling jobsites and handing out CVs. What a joke. I've gotten a lot more moderate in my politics lately but today reminded me why I fucking hate Tories with a passion. I don't get any payment for six weeks and although that's shit I'm lucky I don't have to care for anyone and I'm living at home rent free because can you imagine if you had rent and kids? Fucking awful, I'm tearing up just writing this. If Iain Duncan Smith was on fire I wouldn't spit on him. I'll update you more when I have my next appointment. All the love guys, don't vote Tory. Xx

Sunday, 5 June 2016

Ok so I thought I thought I'd write this on here as I need to rant but I can't on twitter or tumblr as offending people, especially after the way I was offended tonight, is not in my nature.

So tonight one of my best pals at uni got baptised. She invited me along and whilst it's not my thing I thought I'd go to support her as I think she needed it and wanted me there. I was apprehensive but still I went along. I didn't really know what to expect, I've been to christenings and they were lovely, but had never been to a baptism before and I was weirdly excited. I thought she'd be dunked in water, the vicar/pastor whatever would say a blessing and that would be it. It was not like that. It was utterly and totally horrifying and was probably one of, if not the worst night of my life. From the off I was extremely uncomfortable. I knew some of the attendees on a personal level (the church has strong links with the Christian Union at uni) and whilst they are lovely and try to be welcoming, I just felt out of place, obviously I'm not religious so maybe that played a part. However I've been in lots of religious buildings before, and never felt the way I felt tonight when I entered this one so I guess my sixth sense was telling me that something was wrong right from the beginning. When the ceremony started, the band began playing and the singer told everyone that they encourage singing but you don't have to if you don't want to. I didn't because I didn't know the songs (it was like some bizarre Christian/Jesus pop?) and also because I didn't want to sing along with something I don't believe in. The singing was OK, but then it got freakishly weird. Like incredibly weird, people started closing their eyes and holding their hands up to the ceiling, and whilst I understand that's to get closer to God it was uncomfortable because it felt less like being closer to God and more trying to one up each other. Everyone kept singing over the lead singer and it was, in all honesty, nuts. (And the songs were upbeat but the lyrics incredibly depressing so it wasn't like gospel music, which I LOVE, it didn't lift me up, it actually made me kind of depressed, along with the ego trip of everyone in the room) So anyway I could get with the singing if that's all it was, but because me and my non religious mixed race (that becomes important later so bear with) flatmate weren't singing, I could feel people giving us daggers even though we were told it was fine not to sing. I'm usually a relatively confident person but it was so uncomfortable I actively looked at the floor and couldn't look up much at all. It was blatantly obvious I was being looked down upon because I wasn't a believer. Anyway after the awkward awful egotistical singing the ceremony started. Another girl got baptised first and that was fine I wasn't really interested, I was just waiting for my pals turn so I could get home. As if I wasn't already uncomfortable enough however it got even worse after the first girl for baptised. Before she got dunked she made a speech about anxiety and depression and how god helped her through and she wanted to dedicate her life to him etc. Anyway after she got dunked the leader then asked the congregation if they wanted to say anything about how her baptism made them feel and what god was telling them. I then had to listen to the most pretentious egotistical bullshit I've ever heard in my life. Honestly it was horrifying. Everything they said which was along the lines of 'God is giving me a picture of a tree and your the tree and what was before was the roots but now god will blossom you and protect you' and again everyone was trying to outdo each other with some more pretentious bullshit. I didn't know this girl and had no attachment to her so to be honest I didn't care what was said to her even if I did find it all pretentious lies. I had half an hour of this.... Then it was my pals turn and I know this girl inside out, she's vulnerable and has suffered from severe anxiety and depression. I've helped her come out of her shell a lot this year and she's constantly searching for something to make her happy and she was so quick to jump into religion I was apprehensive, but like I said I'd support her. Like the other girl she opened up about her anxiety and her depression before she got dunked and she was so nervous her voice was shaking. She came out if the water smiling which was nice and I was happy for her, but then it got sinister man. They did the same and went round and asked people about what they thought and whilst still pretentious bollocks it was actually incredibly dangerous as well. They were telling her she didn't need to worry about her depression because god was there and he won't let the enemy in????????? What the actual fuck? How can you sit there and tell someone that their depression is because of the enemy and god will protect them???? Why are you lying to a vulnerable young girl???? It was horrifying I literally wanted to get up and shout at everyone. It's nice to believe god will protect you, but you can't say that to someone vulnerable. You can't tell them that now they have god they'll be OK, that they're released, because that's not true. It doesn't fucking go away at the click of a finger. It was disgusting dangerous rhetoric and I felt a little bit sick. It then gets even fucking worse. So after this a boy me and my non religious housemate used to live with delivered a sermon about mixed race marriages and how a chapter in the Bible says they're wrong. I'm mixed race and so is housemate. I know you have to look at certain things from a historical perspective, so that would be fine usually, I don't agree but I understand how it was at the 'time.' The boy said it was difficult to understand in our globalised world, which is true, historical perspective etc, but then he went on to try and justify it??????????????? By saying that the pure, who love God and are right, need to banish ungodly people from their lives????????????? Like this Nehemiah guy did with those who didn't marry pure??????????? And then went on to compare ungodly people to addictions and sins and shit, and normal things like money, relationships, grades?????? And that the only thing that matters is being pure for God. It was fucking horrible. Throughout this whole sermon he was staring at me and housemate. Then at the end of this awful awful preachy bollocks he stared directly at us because every other person in church was religious and he knew us from first year, and basically said we could be saved and that we should come and talk to him about god and Jesus. ??????? Um m8 u just justified how interracial marriage is wrong and how ur the chosen people, I wouldn't talk to you if you paid me. Then they were about to sing again so housemate just turned to me and said we're going and we left. It was horrific. I know I haven't articulated it very well but it was truly truly awful and I'm still fuming from anger and rage. Disgusting. Felt like the Donald Trump of churches.

Anyway I'm off to bed now (if I can sleep, am still angry) good night Huns. Organised religion is dangerous. X

Sunday, 4 October 2015

1. You're a bitch, I will never talk to you again, I hope you're happy throwing away 10 years of friendship over a racist arsehole who doesn't want to be with you

2. You're a prick and I swear to God if you even try and start again now I'm back at uni while I was home for three months and you didn't even interact with me once you can fuck off.

Monday, 31 August 2015

After years of thinking that my grandad was from Cape Verde I’ve just discovered he was from Aden in Yemen and that’s so interesting and I can’t wait to find out more, whether he was a Muslim or Jewish and about his time as a merchant seaman in World War One but honestly I’m also pissed because I now feel like everything I’ve known about my heritage has been a lie 😔

Monday, 20 July 2015

I have been sitting in my kitchen on my own for an hour listening to I Only Have Eyes For You and chain smoking. Tears are streaming down my face and I honestly do not have any idea what is wrong with me.

Monday, 8 June 2015

It's 4am, it's light outside and I can't sleep. I'm watching Bob's Burgers and honestly I love this show so much. In my opinion it is the best cartoon ever. The jokes aren't racist/sexist/homophobic and the family love each other and never use other members as the butt of the jokes. It's perfect. It can be a bit dry sometimes and it's not laugh out loud funny but it's so clever and it makes me so happy. The fact I have to wait until October for series six is, in the words of Tina Belcher, ughhhhhhhhhhhhh, but I can watch every episode multiple times and it's still as heartwarming as the first time I watched it.

In other news I finished and passed the year. It's a high 2.2 and it could be better but honestly I'm happy with it. After first and second term I genuinely thought I was going to fail the year so I'm just glad I passed. I can't wait to get out of Egham for summer either. As much as I've grown to love the shit little place, I will always prefer being in Wales. I go back a week Saturday and I can't wait. This Saturday I fly out to Amsterdam with my flatmates for next year and I'm so excited! There are so many things I'm excited to do while I'm there. I'm sure it will be the best holiday I've ever had. Anyway I'm tired and should probably at least try and get some sleep. All the love. X

Monday, 13 April 2015

I just went for a run and I feel so fresh. If you know me then you know I do not exercise bar walking because I hate it. It's embarrassing when you're my size but today something just clicked and I was like no who cares what people think and I'm so glad I did because I'm so happy. Look at how much my skin is glowing. ☺☺☺